HOW I STOPPED WORRYING AND LOVED TO HATE CHRISTMAS pen an ink. © Dec 24th 2011. By Leighton Kelly twas the night before christmas and all thru the house not a creature was stirring yada yada yada. listen, i stopped all this mumbo jumbo when i realized i couldn’t get a bunch of free presents just by acting ignorant. i loved it when i was a kid, sure. the sweet smelling tree in the living room, the presents that were not there the night before, the candy, the food… it was so awesome. didnt happen everyday and it was special and magical. but i am a grown ass man now and that shit dont have no room for a man like me. the last time it ever made any sense was in my early 20’s when me and my friend Heidi dressed up like elves who had been beaten up (she was a special effects makeup artist) blood, black eyes and missing teeth, (she dressed like she was 8 months pregnant as well) and went into the tenderloin with a knee length gym sock full of all the things we found in the drawer everyone has that in the kitchen full of shit we dont want any more. also we bought the biggest bottle of jim beam and vowed to drink it behind every dumpster we found (which was alot). we were fairly drunk as fuck and had already been kicked out of 50% of the bars we went into and was completely blotto on Christmas spirits so we went to the corner in the deep ghetto of the tenderlion where a large group of strange junkies and homeless had grouped. we cheefully offered the xmas sock to be ransacked. and it was. the can of tuna was the coveted prize and the old phone charger was thrown at us. it was the spirit of giving selflessly that made me believe for the last time that Christmas was still a real thing. it was the of reality that made me see that we should have sold the sock to a crack head for a half pint of cripple crow and hedge our losses.  after all, we would need a spot at the shelter and some change just to get us through the night but all that fat bastard gave us at the street light was a handful of coal. oh yeah, and god bless us everyone and shit. IT’S CHRISTMAS BEYOTCH!

HOW I STOPPED WORRYING AND LOVED TO HATE CHRISTMAS

pen an ink. © Dec 24th 2011. By Leighton Kelly

  • twas the night before christmas and all thru the house not a creature was stirring yada yada yada. listen, i stopped all this mumbo jumbo when i realized i couldn’t get a bunch of free presents just by acting ignorant. i loved it when i was a kid, sure. the sweet smelling tree in the living room, the presents that were not there the night before, the candy, the food… it was so awesome. didnt happen everyday and it was special and magical. but i am a grown ass man now and that shit dont have no room for a man like me. the last time it ever made any sense was in my early 20’s when me and my friend Heidi dressed up like elves who had been beaten up (she was a special effects makeup artist) blood, black eyes and missing teeth, (she dressed like she was 8 months pregnant as well) and went into the tenderloin with a knee length gym sock full of all the things we found in the drawer everyone has that in the kitchen full of shit we dont want any more. also we bought the biggest bottle of jim beam and vowed to drink it behind every dumpster we found (which was alot). we were fairly drunk as fuck and had already been kicked out of 50% of the bars we went into and was completely blotto on Christmas spirits so we went to the corner in the deep ghetto of the tenderlion where a large group of strange junkies and homeless had grouped. we cheefully offered the xmas sock to be ransacked. and it was. the can of tuna was the coveted prize and the old phone charger was thrown at us. it was the spirit of giving selflessly that made me believe for the last time that Christmas was still a real thing. it was the of reality that made me see that we should have sold the sock to a crack head for a half pint of cripple crow and hedge our losses.  after all, we would need a spot at the shelter and some change just to get us through the night but all that fat bastard gave us at the street light was a handful of coal. oh yeah, and god bless us everyone and shit. IT’S CHRISTMAS BEYOTCH!